Driver H. Potter's Wombledon Park Picture Page

OK.

Now, concentrate folks. This is going to be difficult for some of you, so I'll drop in certain words and phrases during this post to keep your attention focused. The first person to spot them all will win a small prize courtesy of Potters Excess Railway Junk Ltd. We're going to talk about railways. This will come as no surprise to some of you, and others will as I write this, be frantically clicking the "Back" button on their browser.

Whitehall has been talking about electrifying the UK Rail Network. Sounds a good idea, doesn't it? All those lovely sparks on the mainline, none of this costly running diesel trains on electrified tracks and best of all keeping the precious fuel in reserve so that railway anoraks and hooligan drivers can use it to make bloody great clouds of smoke at railway diesel galas. I know the last category isn't perhaps valid on a national scale, but some of the hooligan drivers know where I live and having all the windows intact gives such a finished look to a house, don't you think? But I digress. Could this be the beginning of the new Age of the Train? Better yet, could this be the new age of the train but without Jimmy Saville? Well, probably not. After all, we wouldn't want a pretty document to get in the way of unpleasant hard facts. Hard facts like EU emissions directives that will mean closing down polluting coal-fired power stations. Hard facts like even if we start now, sufficient nuclear power generation (it's the future, folks - despite what the likes of Friends of the Earth seem to think) wouldn't be online until 2030. So where would all this electricity come from exactly? Clearly Whitehall has been in intensive negotiation with the electricity fairies: that or this is all simply schmaltz to disguise the fact that the DafT (thank you, Railway Eye) really has not got a sodding clue how to run a railway. It's a worrying thought that after we managed to leave the Tory "railway in decline" years firmly behind us, none in charge seems to have any idea of how to further expand a growing business.

Thinks: Perhaps that's the difference between business and government - business goes about getting results, whilst governments merely talk about getting them...

Thinks again: Time for an attention-getting phrase...   

Large Pert Boobies...

There. That seems to cover that.

Anyhow, why the hell are electrification and capacity not being considered together? Surely logic would dictate an incremental approach of identify which routes would benefit from the wires or juice rail, then apply those along with work to enhance track capacity so that civil engineering costs aren't incurred twice? For those of you who are knowledgeable, I'm thinking of the Salisbury to Exeter route in this instance. Why in God’s name would anyone think that marrying two schemes into one wouldn't be cost effective? The High Speed Rail Link from St Pancras to the Channel Tunnel is proof that major engineering can be achieved on time and on budget. By the way, anyone sat at their computer screens yelling "Rugby! Liverpool Street! Shields Junction!" and pulling their hair out might have a point - Network Rail seems to have trouble organising the proverbial drinking session within the ale-producing facility at the moment. So back to capacity and enhancement. The network is creaking. Rather loudly. In deference to Network Rail, they have the unenviable task of running a railway, repairing the railway and pandering to TOCs and government know-nothings all at the same time. One wonders how Iain Coucher, NRs head honcho and public Hate Figure in Chief, sleeps at night? If I thought I had to repair a knackered system, run said system harder than it's been run since the 1940s with less than half of the capacity it had in the 1940s, keep the government quiet and try to achieve economies year-on-year but cutting down repair work I'd have to hang myself: quickly.

That said I probably still manage to garner a large bonus of some sort; in this case possibly for reducing wear and tear on the office carpet or perhaps I might gain a knighthood for services to the Rope Industry...

Oiled lithe bodies performing certain naughty acts...

(Cunning eh? Suggestive and yet completely "My Mum" friendly.)

So, on the large scale, the Railway is going to hell on a handcart.* On the micro scale, of course, minor miracles are performed on a daily basis. Staff work their buttocks off, trains run, goods move, passengers are carted from place to place in reasonable time and comfort - Things Work. I was greatly heartened to see that Virgin West Coast have been running trains along diversionary routes rather than simply sticking their passengers on buses this weekend. What a novel idea: if one route isn’t available, then find another route that is and use it. Gosh. Perhaps Network Rail isn’t such a bad old stick after all? It would be nice to think that we are moving forwards, though: allowing our passengers to travel on the trains they paid through-the-nose to ride on would be a good start don’t you think?  It’s a sad thought to entertain, but Virgins efforts seem to be an isolated spark of common sense. Judging by the bilge and spin spouting from the Department of Transport, it seems that the railway industry is forever doomed to tread water.

Oh well - at least we'll soon have some Real Trains back on the mainline. And perhaps sooner than everyone thinks...

* - As long as the handcart isn't made by Alstom, I don't mind. There's nothing worse than having to journey to eternal damnation and having to stop en route to reboot the onboard computer. Perhaps a travelling fitter would be in order.